Fear & Judgment

During my termination with my counselor, she mentioned that I never told her about the circumstances surrounding my mother's passing. Thinking about that, I've told less than 5 people. As I thought even further about it, two reasons come to mind:

• I am afraid of people judging my mother.
• I am afraid of people judging me. 

I realize that those reasons become invalid when speaking to those in the helping profession since their profession is built upon being non-judgmental, but the same isn't true for my friends and anyone else who asks. 

A lot of the grief literature I've been reading indicates that the whole "don't speak ill of the dead" mantra that's trotted out after someone's passing is pretty much bullshit, even though a lot of people hold that saying to be an absolute truth. However, speaking is different than thinking. I don't want anyone thinking negative thoughts about my mother, because at the end of the day, she's still my mom. She's the woman that gave birth to me, and she's part of the reason why I am the woman that I am today. I refuse to let anyone think bad thoughts about her.